7 Things A British Reporter Hates About Posh Hotels

The following article was recently run in a major London newspaper. While I understand the reporter’s comments (in italics), I have adapted the scenarios to fit the vacation rental marketplace.

The Quote (Rate)

“I can give you our best-preferred, direct-booking, special-value, super-club room deal of just £225 a night, sir.”

“Room only? Well, it is our fifth wedding anniversary, so go on, then.”

(Scroll forward to the paying bit)

“That will be £264.37 a night. Plus incidentals.”

Yes, the killer 17.5% Vat. Posh hotels, like dodgy builders, have got into the habit of quoting without including it. Why? They claim it’s because foreign guests can claim the Vat back. So let the foreigners subtract, like they have to for every other purchase. Or are you saying foreigners can’t do basic maths?

New rule: tell us the full cost upfront, just like airlines now have to.

Vacation Homeowners:  Provide a full tariff upfront and if the client asks for a breakdown, provide it. For example, many resort communities have a “bed tax” or a “resort-fee” which can add a double-digit tax to a vacation rental. Personally, I advise clients always quote the gross amount and mention, “I can provide a breakdown if you wish.” Heads up to property managers line-item the various taxes and fees. Your clients will understand the breakdown and your FY accounting will be so much easier.

The Bellhop

Where were you 14 hours ago? We’ve crossed three continents and now you’re offering to carry our bags the last 10 yards from the front desk to the lift and from the lift to our bedroom. You even have a big wheelie thing to help you. And how much are you expecting as a tip for this? A quid ($2 USD) a bag. A quid a bag! We have three bags, but one of them is a tiny little handbag. Surely that should only be 50p ($1USD)? But no, it’s a quid a bag, regardless of size. So that would be £3 ($6USD), right? Wrong.

In posher hotels, you get a snooty look if you offer coins. So that’s five whole pounds to avoid the wilting look of derision. Or, on le Continent, €5, which is almost as bad, monsieur. If you’re unlucky enough to be in the United States of Extravagant Tipping, you could try three dollar bills, but it won’t wash.

A friend, feeling generous, handed a bellhop $5 at a hotel in Beverly Hills. The bellhop looked at the note, looked at the friend, then handed it back with the immortal words: “You obviously need this more than I do.” And this attitude, this expense, for bags that turn up in your room 20 minutes after you do.

New rule: we’re allowed to carry our own bags if we want to, and £2 ($4USD) is plenty unless we’re Imelda Marcos. It is your job, after all.

Vacation Homeowners: Feel you are exempt from the above? Not exactly. Depending on the level of service associated with the vacation rental, there may be luggage service. I know of rental homes that have on-call and live-in staff. Suggestion: I advise staff to graciously not accept the gratuity, especially if they will be interacting with the guests during their visit to the vacation residence. Instead, provide exemplary service and if a gratuity is offered at departure, accept it at that point with genuine thanks.

The Show-Around (Orientation)

The woman from the front desk has followed you to your room, even though you’re perfectly capable of finding it yourself. You are jet-lagged, grumpy, headachey and absolutely desperate to be alone, but she insists on doing her estate-agent impression: “This is the bedroom and this is the bathroom. That is the television. This is the window. That is a telephone. Here is a light. No, I don’t know how to switch it on, but look, here’s a pillow. Is everything all right, sir?”

New rule: no show-around. We are not three years old.

Vacation Homeowners:  If you or your property manager offers an orientation to guests, this is a valued service for vacation homeowners. Guess what, not everyone knows how to work the Hansgrohe steam-shower or how to turn on the hot-tub. Your home is not a standard hotel room. The orientation may save you from a phone call in the middle of the night or worse i.e. the hot-tub flooded, what should we do?

The Minibar (Stocked Kitchen)

We’ve been saving up for six months to stay in this hotel. It’s not cheap. In fact, it’s so expensive, you’d think the minibar would be subsidized. Quite the opposite. Top hotels in London and New York don’t feel even slightly embarrassed charging guests £5 ($10USD) for a can of Coke. KitKats are £2 ($4USD) and up.

They also have the temerity to charge exorbitant rates for bottled water, even in places where you can’t drink it from the tap. Fellow travelers, be bold. Tell them at the time of booking that you wish to have no minibar. If they agree to clear it out, you can use the fridge for your own purchases. If they don’t, book elsewhere. We can win this one.

New rule: reasonable prices or the fridge goes out the window.

Vacation Homeowners: First, no matter the level of vacation rental from economical to luxury, a “Welcome Basket” of snacks should be available to guests upon arrival gratis. Trust me, you can spend $10 at the local grocery and provide a nice welcoming snack tray.  Concerning a “Stocked Refrigerator,” from my experience, most will charge 20% to 25% of the cost of the groceries, possibly a delivery fee and a minimum order. This is a value-added service. If you do not wish to offer, check with your local chamber of commerce to see if anyone in your community offers the service. Your guests will appreciate it and you will have provided an additional memorable service.

The Television

When did they get so big? They’re the size of a whole wall. And that’s fine. We’re on holiday: we need to feel like we’re in our own private Imax. What’s not fine is the idiotic hotel entertainment system. The default mode is an annoying, soft-focus welcome video that nobody ever watches. It is almost impossible to stop it, and, if you do, you have to negotiate your way through a series of menus that load at the speed of a Spectrum 48K to find anything resembling an actual television channel.

Sometimes there’s a keyboard, a strange keyboard with buttons that magically increase the size of your room bill. And, if you want to watch a film, just a normal film, not even a porno, it costs a tenner. A tenner ($20USD).

New rule: no welcome video, no antiquated menu designed to fleece more cash off us. Just television. And a film channel. Like we have at home.

Vacation Homeowners: The vast majority of vacation home rentals will have cable or satellite service for their televisions. Splurge a little and consider adding the premium channels. Yes, it cost a few more dollars, however, it is a business expense as well. Yes, “Pay-Per-View” is an option (consider blocking it), however, once the bill arrives the following month, good luck tracking down the guests for payment.

The Internet

Most five-star hotels charge upwards of £15 ($30USD) a day for broadband. The Ritz charges an eye-watering £25. Why? “Our service charges are calculated to cover the monthly costs incurred to maintain efficiency and to meet increased security requirements expected by our guests.” Well, when you put it like that, £25 ($50USD) seems like a bargain. Not. Presumably, the real reason is to discourage anyone downloading a film from iTunes for less than it costs to watch it on the stupidly enormous television. Fail.

New rule: free broadband. If the Hotel du Vin chain can do it, so can the £300 ($600USD)-a-night Ritz.

Vacation Homeowners: If you have not already installed it, have high-speed Internet access available. If hard-wired, have the Ethernet cable available. Wireless, have the codes available to connect wirelessly. Some high-end rentals will include a desktop with MS Office installed. No Internet, put it in now!

Do Not Disturb

The posher the hotel, the harder it is to gain any sense of privacy. The minute you decide to go to the lavatory naked, the man with the breakfast tray bursts in. The second you swap your suit for the suspenders and the leatherette face mask, the turn-down service turns up.

Anything resembling full sex triggers a whole procession of shoe-polishers, maintenance men, letter-deliverers and maids. And all we have to stop the invasion is the Do Not Disturb sign, that flimsy, lily-livered, pathetic last cardboard line of defense that nobody ever takes any heed of in any case.

New rule: whatever you’re flogging, we’re not interested unless we ask. Our default setting is Do Not Disturb, even if you’re bringing a little chocolate to put on our pillow. Goodbye.

Vacation Homeowners: While this is usually not an issue as many vacation home renters purposely rent a vacation home for its inherent privacy. However, we forget about cleaning staff, on-site staff and so forth. Thus, consider opening the conversation with “What time would you prefer us to come and straighten up the home?” and “Our on-site staff is unobtrusive, however, if needed, they are available at your beckon call”

And while we’re at it…

Get rid of useless key cards and bring back keys; get rid of complex lighting systems that make it impossible to turn off the lights; stop charging £9 ($18USD) per minute for us to use your phones; and don’t ask us to decide whether we want to keep our towels by hanging them on the rail. Just assume we do want to keep our towels, even if we haven’t hung them on the rail. We might be lazy, but that doesn’t mean we want all the polar bears to drown.

Vacation Homeowners: Keys, consider using “Do Not Copy” keys and advise lost keys will incur a re-keying fee. Also, consider placing keys on “If found, drop in mailbox” service chains. Complex lighting systems, consider reviewing during home orientation. Land-line phones, unlimited long-distance is cheap and most guests will use their cell-phones anyway.